It’s not everyday these days that you hear about someone getting ravaged by the TSA at an airport but it does seem to happen, and when it happens to a wealthy white woman, look out!
An infuriating search at Philadelphia International Airport
Now, reading the article, I came across a number of things that Kathy did wrong. Basic things, maybe not as obvious as not carrying a loaded handgun through the metal detector, but still, stuff that you can avoid, and stuff that I do every time I fly to minimize any security troubles with the TSA. Here’s some quick tips and tricks from an Arab American who used to get the royal treatment from TSA every time he flew, and still get pulled out of line regularly (though not every time).
Pre-Airport
When you’re packing your bags, go through every pocket of your carryons, everything that is going on that plane check it. Every pocket of your jacket, every pocket of your purse. Anything you don’t need to have with you on the plane, put it in checked luggage, or just leave it aside till when you come home. Particularly metal objects.
For instance, say you want your toiletries in your carryon (or you’re only bringing a carryon and not checking luggage). Lose the fingernail clippers. Oh, you can probably get them on board, and sometimes they won’t even call you aside for them at security, but if they have a file in them, or they pass at the wrong angle, you’re going to be taken aside. Clip your nails before your trip, and then leave them at home. Any toothpastes or gels be sure you have the travel sizes. A full sized toothpaste squeezie is enough to have you pulled aside if they want to.
Electronic cords in your carryon for your phone and computer? Wind them neatly and tightly, bind them with a twisty tie, put them in a big gallon clear plastic bag. We’ll come back to those later. All cords should be in a clear big plastic ziplock.
Otherwise common sense stuff. No guns, explosives, etc. Thousands of guns every year are confiscated at security by people who forgot they had them on them. Don’t be dumb. That’ll get you arrested every time, even from an innocent mistake.
More commonly though things like pocket tools, or swiss army knives. People don’t think about them. Don’t pack em. Don’t pack lighters or zippos. Again, if it’s metal and you can live without it (matches work, use matches) then don’t bring it with you.
Otherwise pack cleanly, and organized, and layered. Make it easy to open and get stuff out, and back in as much as possible.
If you’re bringing papers, checks, money, travellers checks, whatever, that you don’t want someone randomly looking at put them in an envelope and seal it. We’ll get to that later as well (this is one thing Kathy in Philly did wrong, she left things loose). Loose stuff is bad.
Lastly, shave, bathe, shower, deodorant and don’t dress like an idiot. Yes the 9/11 hijackers all shaved and showered before their flight. They also got on their flights. Look like a regular clean upstanding member of society, since you are one right?
Oh and if possible wear easy on, easy off shoes….
Getting To The Airport but Before Security
Be at the airport early. You can’t always guarantee this, but get there early, and get to security an hour before your plane departs. If you’re in a rush you’re gonna be pissy, and you’re not going to be as friendly if your plane is boarding and the TSA agent wants to look in your carry-on bag. Give yourself at least an hour from when you get in the security line till your plane departs. If you’re checking a bag, add a half hour for when you get to the airport and have to check your bag. If it’s a busy airport at a busy travel time make that an hour to check your bag, and an hour to get through security. yes 2 hours ahead of your flight.
Hey i’m just telling you how to get through security as cleanly as possible, and time is a factor. They don’t care if you’re in a rush, but it’ll make you give off body language signals that are negative. You can’t always get there 2 hours ahead of time, or even an hour ahead of time, but this is how you get through security easily.
Once you get on Airport grounds you’re being watched. Even if you’re not at security yet, you’re being watched. Don’t be a douche. Be on your best behavior, smile, be friendly and helpful. Traveling can be stressful, particularly when you do it with children….I know this…just do your best, particularly when dealing with airport workers, TSA Screeners, and whoever there who isn’t your maniac three year old. They’re your friends. Be polite, respectful, and friendly with them at all times from the guy at the curb, to the ticket agent, to the guy checking your ID.
Also before you go into the security line do one last check of your stuff. If you have keys in your pocket, put them in your carryon. Wallet: in the carryon. Asthma inhaler: in the carryon. Spare change? Dude why do you have spare change? Fine, in the carryon. Your pockets should be empty other than your ID and Ticket.
Your ticket, your ID, have them out already, don’t get them out in line, no matter how long the line is. Check your pockets, etc. Be sure you’re ready to get searched from head to toe, and hauled into the back room and strip searched.
That’s basically the trick of it too. You have to be prepared and willing to have every single thing you have on you gone over with a fine tooth comb, and taken in a back room and strip searched. Mind you, i’m not saying that the TSA should have the RIGHT to do that to everyone. I’m just saying that it has to be your mindset. If it’s your mindset, it’ll never happen. If you kick up a stink and are an asshole…guess who is going in the back room or missing their flight?
Pre-Metal Detectors
Ok, so you have your ID and ticket out, and are in the security line. You’ll get to the TSA agent who might be nice and friendly, or might be a total jerkwad. Hard to say. I’d say more often than not if you smile and are friendly, they’ll be the same. Answer their questions, don’t be nervous. They’re looking to see if you’re nervous. Don’t just jabber or anything just hand your ID to them and smile, and answer whatever questions they have. They’re there to help you, and protect you.
Unless you lose it Chevy Chase style you’ll move along. Now’s the time to start stripping. If you have a jacket, take it off and put it in a bin, a sweater or sweatshirt, in the bin. Use more bins than less bins. Don’t try and pack them all in, the TSA doesn’t like that. Jacket in one, Sweater in another, etc. Shoes in another, this is where easy on and off shoes helps, and also to be wearing socks. That floor is icky.
Computer and phone out of bags and onto another bin. Gallon clear bag of cords out of the carryon and into another bin. Belt with a metal buckle? Take it off and into the bin with your sweater.
I’ve gone up to the x-ray machine by myself with 5 grey bins of stuff before. The more the better, they won’t yell at you for using too many, and it’ll get you through easier if they have less things to look at one at a time. Jam all that stuff onto one belt with wires and cords, and metal and gels, and it can start looking pretty weird and they’ll call you over.
Make sure everything goes onto the belt, wait till your last bin is on the rollers and moving, then move over to the metal detector.
Metal Detectors
Next up is the metal detector. Step up to it, and wait to walk through until the agent motions you to pass through it. Then walk through at a normal pace. As long as you don’t have metal pins in your leg or something you’ll be fine at this point by putting all your metal in your carryons.
If you have metal pins, you’ll always have fun at security and have to get wanded. Tough tookie.
You might get lucky and get one of the new 3D scanners. 3D is all the rage.
Alot of people have problems with these because of the grainy sorta nude picture it creates that someone watches in a back room. But it won’t bother you because you’re prepared to actually get ON your plane, so stand in the marks as you’re told and raise you hands above your head and get scanned. It’s quick and painless, and nobody cares that you have a small penis. After you get scanned you’ll be asked to walk toward the TSA guy on the other side and wait until you’re cleared. Just wait. You’ll be cleared.
At this point for MOST people, if you’ve done your job right you’ll go get your stuff, slip your shoes back on, repack your carryon, put your phone in your pocket, and head to your gate. You’ve done a good job of not being an asshole, and packing well, and not carrying metal through security, etc…
BUT
It might not make a difference. You could get picked for a “random” screen, or maybe something in your bag DID end up looking funny. They’ll have you gather you bins, and help you carry them over to the inspection table.
Be friendly, help if they let you, don’t help if they say to just wait. If they want to pat you down and wand you, let them, smile. Don’t be cheesy and “thank them for their service” just be friendly, they’re doing their job to protect you.
If they ask you if they can open you bag, just say “Sure no problem.” If they ask any questions just answer them. NOw if you did your job and cut down on the crap your’e carrying they wont’ find much. A paperback novel, some magazines, your clothes, and shoes, a toiletry bag with no huge tubs of gels in it or metal files or razors. If you put any private papers in a sealed manila or normal envelope they won’t even be able to look at them, and most of the time not even be interested. If they ask just say they’re some personal papers. If they ask to open it say “Sure, go for it”. Most likely they won’t even ask, they’ll just ignore it. Particularly if it’s just piled up with some magazines.
If you’re being normal, friendly, prepared to walk with all your stuff in the back room and get an anal probe in order to get on your plane, they’re not going to give a shit about your manilla envelope.
If you’re acting nervous and pissy and kind of put out that they want to look at your papers, then they’re going to suspect a crime and get curious (kathy’s problem again).
Just be friendly, and helpful. HELP them to search your stuff, even if you just stand there and can’t actually touch anything. Answer any question, let them look at anything. Just don’t put it OUT There for them.
Then 9 times out of 10 you’re off to your gate, they might rescan your bag so just wait for it.
Lastly
If you followed what I said above, brought nothing loose, separated all your metal and stuff, and have no gels, and put your papers in an envelope, and are friendly and helpfull and are bringing nothing illegal or obvious on the plane you WILL go to your gate at this point.
However, if you’re acting nervous, or they find something weird or suspicious, they might bring over a police officer. If so, just be helpful again. Answer questions. If you’d rather NOT get on your plane than answer a question, then go ahead and refuse to answer a question. If that’s what it’s worth to you, then I can respect that, but if you start getting pissy and bitchy and be an asshole to a cop or TSA agent because you’re already late for your flight then have fun in the holding area.
Honestly though if you follow the above stuff, you won’t get to this point. You’ll be at your gate in time for your flight; while the douchenozzle who packed a swiss army knife and a big thing of hair gel, along with 8 grand in checks loose in his bag, who is getting pissy with the TSA is gonna miss his.